Letting Go of Guilt

Hi! It’s your favourite chemical Radium with October’s blog! I find it funny that the order of the blogs ended up making me write it during my birth month but alas, here we are! Since it’s my birth month, you must send me a million dollars, or listen to our first EP Girls Like No Other! Tut tut! Birth month rules.

Jokes aside, today’s theme is a bit more intimate than others I’ve written. I’m not the type of person who wears their heart on their sleeve and I live by a very wise motto called “What are you going to do with this information?” In other words, I’m a private chemical. But I did want to be open with you Majesties.

As you read by the title, I want to talk about guilt. I have to admit that I have a busy life. I have a full-time job that is very fun, but also a lot more demanding than I thought it would be when I applied. I am also a full-time grad student, working towards getting my master’s degree (and get used to the mess because I will definitely work towards a doctorate). I have other objectives I will keep in the dark, but between working on them, work, school, my thesis, having hobbies and time for friends, you can pretty much guess that my schedule is tight and my stress is through the roof. And when that’s the case, Flare adds a layer on a schedule that is often already running out of space.

You see, Anje and I share the tasks within the duo. We both write a monthly blog, write lyrics, record demos, do graphic design, and so on and on. Obviously, we also share costs whenever something requires money. I do often have extra occasional tasks, which is sometimes some boring administrative stuff, or mixing and mastering our songs to put them out.

And that’s where the guilt comes in.

I am completely fine with these tasks. They don’t take up much of my time when we’re not in the middle of working on a project. I see it as another passionate hobby that makes me learn a lot, and I know the skills and knowledge I’m gaining will be useful somehow. However, they do add a load on a schedule that is packed. I find myself having to prioritize, balancing duties and responsibilities, searching for time to chill and release the stress and anxiety of my active life. You know, as to not have a heart attack before reaching my mid-twenties.

This often requires me to put things on the back burner. For example, my thesis, and my responsibilities within the duo. Work has been demanding since summer ended, obviously school is always a needy thought in the back of my head, and I’ll admit, there are a few video games that have eaten at my attention span.

I often find myself feeling guilty when some responsibilities for the duo have to be put aside. Anje had to remind me of this month’s 4W, and I’m writing this blog at the last minute (though that is a common occurrence!) I often wonder if I’m a hindrance. We would move a lot faster if it wasn’t for me collecting responsibilities like pokemons or being pulled in all directions.

How often does Anje sit and wait for me to attend to my tasks for the duo? How often am I the reason why something we could’ve done in a month takes two, sometimes three months instead?

You guessed it: I am a naturally anxious person who seeks perfection at every corner and always pictures the worst scenario imaginable; I can be impatient and hyper focused, which does not help at all.

I am learning to chase away this ghost, to accept that I am busy sometimes, and that it’s okay if things take more time. It is better to put out into the world something made with passion that we can be proud of. I trust myself to do what I have to do, and I know Anje supports me in all my projects; heaven knows she often listens to my rambunctious life whenever we talk on the phone! I know she would happily pick up anything that I can’t do, the way I would do anything to unload a burden if she asked me to.

The end of this long blog is abrupt (as usual, you might say). But I guess what I want to say is that, it’s okay. It’s what I always try to tell myself. It’s okay. I stopped treating life like a race with a finish line. I see it as a marathon. It doesn’t matter how fast you got there as long as you did get there.